[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
You Might Also Like
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious