Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.