[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*