publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
You Might Also Like
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Not all heroes wear capes.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
それは草
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.