[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.