In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
How your email finds me
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere