Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
seems like a niche market
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope