EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon