When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you