@FloodyHippie: Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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@jergarl: The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children's book that teaches us that it's ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they're dead.
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
@NYC_Blonde: By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
@SteveSuckington: "What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me" -guy who invented sports