Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.