Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.