*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute