Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!