Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*