:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Our lord and savoury.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!