:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.