EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories