I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.