cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
This is a sub tweet
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Well, this is awkward
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My blood type is coffee.