@Dr_awfulpants: [at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* 'Your balance is: awful'

@GeorgeTakei: So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

@ratamack: I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.

@TheAlexP: *brings cake to bed for an after sex treat* Me: want a piece? Her: wrong, whole.

@jazmasta: *gives up seat on bus for an old lady* *whispers in her ear* "This isn't over"