Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You Might Also Like
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead