Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You Might Also Like
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?