employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Happy Star Wars day!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore