Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*