Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers