Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Please do it!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
More like Kate Missington.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.