EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room