EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.