Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Yep.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?