[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds