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@ohheyohhihello: [emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
@reinert03: Of course Jesus saves. He's Jewish.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
@DaddyJew: When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?
@WheelTod: I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
@mofrorock: Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.