[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””