EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it