End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I think I’ll stand
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
From my Mom
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?