@JasonLastname: End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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@Marlebean: Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob.
@FunnyTunes: Wife :'Darling, look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits.' Hubby : It's a scarf!
@daemonic3: I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it's still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
@Hormonella: There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.