[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
You Might Also Like
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Pringles
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
starting a garage orchestra
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!