[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Did I do this right
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Breaking news:
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater