[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
#damn
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅