[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.