[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
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Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
What an awful time to have common sense.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back