[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You Might Also Like
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP