[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.