[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠