[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both