[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
A ghost story
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.