[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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Noted.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
This sounds bad:
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
starting a garage orchestra