[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
😲 WTF? 😆
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest