@Kimpulses: Ended a relationship today. Don't worry, it wasn't mine.
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@topaz_kell: [taking a picture] Me: "Make love to the camera!" Grandma: "Don't make this weird, dear."
@daveexplosm: If God hates gays so much, why didn't he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he's more pissed that you're jealous of your friend's PS4
@TheMichaelRock: *texting with my mom* Mom: I miss your handsome face! Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too! Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.
@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.