Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
New favorite tiktok
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.