@nice_mustard: endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
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@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@DanMentos: [teaching my 3yo the alphabet] "Ok what's a word that starts with Q" cucumber "That's uh… I don't… let's pick this up again tomorrow"
@felixoshea: He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.