Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.