Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.