@goulden_eye: Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
@myonlymizztake: I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
@lawblob: son let me tell you about the birds and the bees... I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room