I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?